Why Can't You Be More American: January 2009

are uruguayans hotter than argentines? you decide.

hot dads rule.

i was totally caught by these dumbasses who were like 50 feet away. the surfer dude on the left is totally rockin the 70s look and some yummer arms though

hola! como esta! let's fuck !

this guy totally practiced his beach walk before he came.

that little kid behind the hot stud on the right is totally farting.

those army cargos would look better off... or on his head like a chefs hat!

the bronze metal goes to this dumb american jock who somehow learned that punta del este was cool... but nobody told him what was uncool was his boardshorts. off, please.

this guy is totes cuddle material.

this guy is a date rapist, but a hot one.

speaking of cute boys who don't need to overcompensate with retard-ay goatees

i thought this guy was checking out the girl's ass but you can't see that big tub of lube to her right. no joke.

let's hope this guy's mullety hair doesn't get any mulleter.

look! it's ryan goseling's younger brother !

i know where you can put that antique key, bitch. . . in a door lock!

dude in the middle was off the chain hot ... and married. the girl on the left really thought i wanted her in the shot.

no lie: this guy was the housekeeper. talk about fantasy

as you noticed, i started giving up on sneaky shots and just flat out made this hottie pose for me. this dude totally wants to win a metal for hot guy olympics uruguay. hmm. ok, you come in second with a silver..

hung, horse, you get it.

the winner of hot guy olympics uruguay... marcelo! or whatever his name was. he can serve me drinks all fucking day. and i can write anything i want to about it cause he doesn't have a computer. "I like to be all natural," he said. whatever fool. then take off your clothes.

but the close calls were: doorman at sheraton montevideo, who actually looks a lot better when he's frowning (which he did 25/7)

this dude who clearly illustrates it's ok to walk around town shirtless. no big deal

my future husband marcelo

and uruguay's jamie oliver (far right)

Uruguay is an underrated country with awesome attractions abound. It's also very European (there are no true native uruguans as it was settled by the portuguese who fought the spanish, more history stuff, but yeah, you get it)... From beachside resorts to cool farms (I know, right?), it's definitely positioned itself as one the emerging destinations for 2009. Not to mention the guys here are hotter than the guys in argentina (see the Hot Guy Olympics in the next post!)

I took the 45-minute ferry across the rio de la plata to land in colonia del sacramento, a UNESCO world heritage city (as of 1995). Just outside the "old city" was the resort town, catering to... you guessed it ! argentines. and this fat asian. who, 1 hour into checking in, already made myself feel at home.

the sunsets were quite unrivaled and the views pretty terrific from my window. You can't see, but there's Jason vorhees behind that tree.

karentina and i shacked it up in the spa pretty much 24-7 when we were at the property. here i'm imitating me imitating a british bodybuilder imitating me.

believe it or not, we went to visit the home/museum for the Guiness World Record guy who owns the most pens in the world. he also owns other stupid shit.

obs, the highlight was the old city itself, founded by the portuguese. the cobble stones were erratic, just the why i like it, and the city at night was pretty fucking magical.

oh, hey look! it's michael luongo... the guru on argentina (he wrote the frommers guide book). he played argentina hookey and came to uruguay with us, where this guy interviewed him for god knows what.

speaking of other "celebs", our host (sergio) was all about gettin in front of the camera with $10 sunglasses.

this one's for me straights. git it.

i have to admit, all the traveling and sightseeing gets us pooped (in transit to punta del este!)

but i was happily awake to meet mr carlos paez vilaro, who constructed the striking, inhabitable adoble sculpture in punta del este. unfortunately his dumb-ass assistant has no idea how to take a photo. hey moron! angle the fucking camera so the light is out of our faces, be-yotch!

this is his masterpiece.

speaking of aerial views, we took a helicopter ride to check out the scene. they made the mistake of hiring me as co-pilot.

punta.

of course, we didn't want to miss the inauguration so we had to get a laptop hook up. go obama!

jose ignacio is punta del este 50 years ago. no high rises, no cramped beaches and totally unspoiled (oh, and chockfull of hotties!)

i had the honor to meet one of uruguay's top artists, Pablo Atchugarry, at his studio/gallery. His art was pretty amazing. What else was pretty amazing?

his fucking hot SON...

who just decided to walk around shirtless all day.

during interviews and important tours. .

obviously his mom did not give a shit either.

speaking of old ladies, can you believe this bitch is a princess??? she was all like, "fuck that i aint getting my picture with this fool eatin all my food"