America's Next Top Dominican

Republic, that is... and not even touristy DR, but LA ROMANA (yeah, I haven't heard of it either). There happens to be a massive resort here (casa de campo, 7000 fucking acres) where everyone from Michael Jackson to Sammy Sosa have stayed... so it was worth checking out. Unfortunately I didn't take any photos (even of the complimentary golf carts they provided us to get around...like I said, MASSIVE resort).

But I did take photos of this Vegas model/dancer who didn't know her left foot from her right.



We took a private yacht out to the remote Catalina Island and I got tan and fat.


She liked to show off her assets... wait, that's too easy. she was a slut.


The purpose of the trip was to report on this new casino opening, thus we spent most of our time at (surprise!) a fucking casino.


But Vegas ho and I hit the nightlife scene...and met some other... hos.

Because La Romana is the biggest producer of premium cigars in the world, we just had to check out the factory.


Clearly, workers were incredibly happy to be there with their $80/week paycheck.


But, I suppose, at the end of the day, they have this